The clock strikes the chord producing an annoying sound disturbing the silence of night. I turn in its direction to check the time- 4:00 am. The wee hours approaching and not an iota of drowsiness in my eyes. Days after days, weeks after weeks…its more than a quarter past year since I've experienced a cosy sleep in the darkness of night.
Like a mechanical device following pre-programmed instructions, I get up to make extra strong black coffee and have few long sips… People came and went from life, old friends left, new ones came, best friends parted away and soon turned into not so close ones to be gradually replaced by a new set of friends.. I weigh 12 kgs more than i used to during college days which weren't too far a distant memory, merely 2.5 years to be precise.I wear spects now mostly and when I look back at my college pics, I feel I'm fairer now. I speak less than before and think more. I spend less now and save more. Small kids get away at times by calling me uncle which cud've resulted in their bashing by me 2 years back. I prefer my macbook with a fast net connection or a good book left to all by myself rather than a fun-filled outing with friends.A weekend well spent may mean not stepping out of the flat for whole 2 days too now.
Friends of college who used to swear on our friendship tales and moaned on how would they survive without each other are incidentally doing very well in their respective jobs.Those who've gotten into US/UK universities are probably busy into swearing on new friendship tales. And those who've tied the knots are ,though left with no other choice, swearing on their spouses now …
Am I passing through the mid-life crisis now? Wait..I’m not even close to thirty.Probably mid-20s crisis wud be more appropriate. Am I finally settling down to realise that there is a difference between solitude and isolation & the former can actually be gratifying? What is it about the solitude that I’m drawn so much into it?Is it because of the comparatively high-paced life I lived during my college days engulfed in all kinds of weird habits that now I run for solace? Is it because of the unkept promises of those whom I counted upon? Or is it the stigma of myself not able to do much justice to someone’s expectations? Is it because of my hurting someone somewhere sometime that I feel this constant repulsiveness from new relations? Or is it because somewhere I might be nursing a grudge, an unfulfilled desire, a void caused by someone?
Am I the only one sailing into this peculiar boat of solitude? Probably not. Are my friends, experiencing the same mid-20s crisis, feel the perplexity time and again? Are they too at times philosophical for no reason? Alienated and silent without any extra ordinary purpose? Probably yes.
Are we drifting towards a state where we’re clueless about the inherent voids in life? Are we feeling isolated in the crowd after a while more often than before? Are we experiencing that our saddest thoughts engulf the mind immediately after coming out of a good news? Are we carrying enough baggages of our past which need to be offloaded now? Is it something which stops us from being truly liberated, totally ecstatic? Are we becoming accustomed to half-filled laughters, nods without thinking,cynical about maximum beauties of life?
Are we getting trapped into what I call the ‘dilemma of prefering to be a solitudinarian or a social’??
8 comments:
Yet again a brilliant post by you.. U r gettin better by the day I must say.. And more or less, u have put down wat I always have been feelin lately.. Certainly, Mid-20 crisis.. And stayin over here in US far away from home and frends, I can feel it the most..
Solitudinarian huh. Time to get married and settle u think! :P
thnx a ton kodi...as u knw i was typing this blog while simultaneously chatting with u, i feel it needed further editing..its looks real raw ..but anyways, coming this appreciation from the intellectual lot of mangaloreans, I cherish it a lot.. n trust me when I say this , i feel mangaloreans beat their banglore conuterparts hands down when it comes to intellectualism .. :)
Proud I am to have you who thinks anmd observes so much in his life. This is an evolution process. Most of our friends and companions are busy getting another degree, thinking of making thwo two ends of the day meet.. (a very typical middle class Indian mentality). I would not say get married blah blah blah.. what will give you thrill is seeing the world , diffrenet culture, different people. My uncle says doing this you sometimes discover about yourself too. Life does not have to revolve around family and shaadi and bachcha. If you have money you can get girls at any age. Do what you like doing.I see the making of an extraordinary person. If this sounds as an exaggeration then I would say, I always look forward to listen to you!!!
Feelings nicely put down I must say. You are almost tuning into me!!! (apart from the hot new female part)
IMO its a sign of you maturing. It would turn to a crisis when you continue with the same feeling after 2-3 years.
As far as the relationships are concerned, its human nature to forget and move on. I realised this with my own experiences. So I just follow two rules in my life. First, Dont expect anything from anyone (If you think, its a win-win situation). Secondly, a person who can be happy by himself will always be happy. Well, it might sound mundane, but thats me :-) I know you are better.
And while writing this comment, these lines come to my mind:
"If I could fly , I would. If I could fly , I should. I could fly and I would. I should fly and I would"
Bhai because of our exciting past we may feel this as a mid-20 crisis but to be honest bro this is how life is and you gotta enjoy every moment of it. I know even I at times enjoy staying home for weekends as its more relaxing after the long weekdays work we go through and If you think over it its good as we need a relaxing time off from the busy workdays. Earlier we loved spending time time out as we were not exhausted in a manner now.
As Abhilasha puts I also feel that one needs see the world. It sure is an experience to go through. You should always do what you like doing. Don't follow the herd as its your life and you gotta live it only once and I'm sure you wanna make it large. So relax and enjoy your solitude and Read this http://zenhabits.net/happy/ !
@abhilasha: I must say these are one of the more flattering comments I've received in a pretty long span of time.. having said that, I except them with utmost gratitude...As far as your suggestion about exploring the places is concerned, I couldn't agree with u more ..given a chance, wud surely do it
@bijay : just because I wrote about the idea of solitude, it doesn't mean I'm actually going through any mid-20s crisis , as I blogged... most of the things in blog are the work of fiction and my imagination running wild .. :) still, I appreciate your valuable comments as always. these coming from a sharp mind like yours, they do deserve an adoption in life :) thnx a ton...
@sufu Hey, what I wrote is "we may feel this as a mid-20 crisis but", so there is a 'may' and that too is neglected by the 'but' in the sentence.
And I'm sure for a guy like you who has been so focused for more than a year now doing what excites him even the "mid-20 crisis" get scared to get in. As my comment goes I call this not a mid-20 crisis but rather a new way of life which should be enjoyed rather than anything else!
Post a Comment